Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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