My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
