Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
