i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
