Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
