i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
