I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
my poor anus
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
