If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
