we're chasing vodka with high fives
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
