I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
