the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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