Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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