I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He felt like a one man threesome
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
how does that bad decision feel?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
