wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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