It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
