If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
