Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
