How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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