So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
