It's like God shit irony all over that family
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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