i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
