dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
