I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
