Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
