I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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