i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
