Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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