This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
