Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
