Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
