the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
