At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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