You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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