New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
