just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
