Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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