My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
