I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We are all done wearing pants today
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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