Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
4 words: hood of his car
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
