wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
