drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
