Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
