i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
