i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
