Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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