new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
