Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
