my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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