the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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