dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
