i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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